Reflections before my first sunrise in Kauai
2021
I landed last night. Beneath my mask I was smiling nonstop, just gaping really, and feeling a sense of surreal wonder.
The humid air immediately reminded me of the last time I was here, in Hawaii. A sense of relaxation instantly enveloped me.
The last time I'd heard the chickens calling out like this, I was in a very different body and state of mind. I was fleeing something outside and inside myself, literally and figuratively.
But now I'm here in a different state of mind, no longer trying to run away, but instead coming confidently into somewhere which I feel is another home.
I think of my friends scattered across the Hawaiian islands. I wonder how they're doing.
The friendly locals, the smiles. The island time. My angry skin enjoys the kiss of the humid air.
Darkness outside. Ocean wave sounds. Chickens calling out. Sunrise in 2 hours.
A plush bed, tall vaulted ceilings, the windward side of the island giving us a nice breeze.
—-
On the flight here I watched a documentary on Anthony Bourdain, Roadrunner, which haunted me. He saw so much joy and witnessed so much tragedy. I want to search like him without becoming broken like him. So many people cared about him who he'd hurt by committing suicide. What a bright and also tortured soul. Why can't we be bright without being tortured? How can we witness strife without being pulled into its depths?
I also was reading Rest by Alex Pang, Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb, and Burn by Herman Pontzer. How to relax, someone's experience as a therapist, and science.
My friends who are practicing therapists have taught me how to practice detachment. As I sat next to you on the plane and held you like a child, feeling the heat radiate off your body and knowing your panicked mind whirled - I practiced detachment. Observing and witnessing the moment, and feeling empathic, without feeling the actual negative storm myself.
In the plane I typed out 2021 reflections. Again and again I kept writing that my biggest obstacle was the chronic pain and I noticed it was indeed triggering a lot of my most shameful, self-destructive behaviors. The things I only do when I'm alone. It's why I purposefully try very hard to not be alone right now - to always have someone there I have to look presentable for.
What gives me the greatest joy cause me the most physical pain - no, wait, I should reframe that. I am still on the search for what I can do that doesn't hurt. And I know I'll find those things.
I keep thinking of things I want to do - more online resources I want to build - but can't bring myself to commit to, because I know how taxing it'll be on my vision. I get scared when I look in the distance and see floaters snaking across the horizon, fragments of the vitreous fluid in my eyeballs.
I want to build passive income and detach from synchronous work so I can spend more time and be in more places, flexibly, with those who give me the most joy. At the same time I really love the 1:1 work with people right now. Still finding that balance, and in the meantime I can happily say I have made strides to design an environment which I feel I can flourish better in. I keep striving to make it better.