My brain state shown in a doodle

I was doodling (as I usually do) while on a phone call and taking notes. The call was with a friend and therapist who was kindly offering me advice on something. As you can see we were talking about classic Beat Your Genes strategies and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) physiological techniques like cooling.

I'll be honest, this eclectic-looking doodle represents my current mind state, which feels like someone's shattered a bunch of glass and is whirling it inside my head. I've been having some pretty strong accommodative spasm (eye pain) the past couple days and this doodle is actually a pretty good representation of what it feels like. I was literally dragging the pen across the paper in fractured movements.

Or maybe when this current flare-up subsides I'll look back at this doodle and feel that it represents something else. I should look back at this.

Anyway, I was going to write a post about being lazy and embracing laziness. Now I just feel loopy.  So many things happened today. I feel like I'm learning so much. I want to sleep more to retain and crystallize it all. The Internet moves so fast - I spend a lot of time these days messaging people around the world, and feel like I'm "on" 24/7.

In my childhood & teenage years I would just lose myself in my own head and world for hours and hours, especially when creating something. I miss that sense of flow, the unbroken time by my own in my own world when it didn't feel lonely to be in my own head. Now when I'm in my own head I feel lonely. I just want to be around others, interacting with others always.

Maybe I always had this more extroverted side of me but only more recently found the social skills to engage it. Or maybe the Internet is hyper-stimulating me and I need to get off it more. Whatever it is, I feel a weary happiness right now.