Don't fall into this trap: The false need for consensus

Our Stone Age brains, designed for an era in which our survival was highly dependent on those in our village, have an in-built false need for consensus. Not having the approval of everyone in today's modern era can spark irrational fear in people.

But Dunbar’s number of about 150 people is how many stable social relationships we can actually conceptualize in our lives. Go beyond that, and especially to go beyond that and try to make everyone your ally, is a trap.

In truth, today more and more we live in independent microcosms and don't need the approbation of an entire village (much less all of social media) to survive. Yet we still react as if one naysayer actually has an effect on our ability to acquire food or find shelter. That's not the case, yet still people wage Internet wars and debates with strangers who otherwise have no impact on their lives.

Save your time and your emotions.

As Dr. Doug Lisle says, we must work on our environment harder than we work on ourselves. If you find yourself being pulled  into the "false need for consensus" mindset frequently, learn that if you're doing something that people dislike (or maybe have even earned "enemies"), then that means you've said something new and made a unique point.

What I fear most is living a life in which I've merely parroted the ideals of others, much like the Queen of England who tries to stay compliantly mum. A life in which my need for social cohesion trumps my desire to say things I believe in. That's not living my life, that's living the life I think others want me to live.

You too do not need 100% consensus to move forward. If you are making change, you will have naysayers who like the status quo. Just say what you want. In the end, as Eleanor Roosevelt says, the people who matter don't mind, and the people who mind don't matter.